Growth is not Linear

Among the many things I have learned in the past 10 -15 years, I’d say one of the top 5 lessons is growth is not linear.  It seems like such a simple concept, one that when typed out it is so easy to agree, to say YES! Obviously!  But it is a great illustration of the difference between knowing and knowing.  This concept is one I have wrestled with as I have watch myself grow in many aspects, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, then have a sudden (or not so sudden) lapse.  Sometime the regression is long and drawn out, such as occurs over the course of a relationship or gradual slip into unhelpful eating habits and reduced exercise.  Sometimes it is quick, like a relapse of feelings or engaging in a specific behavior.  No matter how it happens, we are often left struggling with guilt and a sense of loss, thinking my gosh, have I learned NOTHING?!   

It’s interesting how we don’t acknowledge the fact that we are stopping to stare the regression in the face and scream out at our “lack of growth” as growth itself.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Why is it hard to recognize that the moments where we pause and reflect, and often attempt to intercept the behavior, as growth?  Why must it be all or nothing?

The good news is it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Changing this tendency to beat ourselves up is all about changing our perspective of growth, our regression and ultimately ourselves. But how? Just like the other changes we work on, changing these perspectives takes effort as well. Here are some suggestions to help you on your path to greater self acceptance and appreciation of your growth, no matter how small or large.

1. Think about how long you have been struggling with the issue you are working on changing. Whether it is overeating, smoking, staying up too late, having poor boundaries with friends/family, gossiping, spending too much time on social media, avoiding going to the gym, etc., chances are the issue you are dealing with and the behavior you are trying to change is not something that started recently. It is most likely something that has gone on for quite some time, to the extent it has created some issue in your life leading you to make a change. Given the amount of time you have been struggling with the issue, it is only realistic to think change will take time and will be accompanied with setbacks.

2. Journal your progress, as well as your setbacks. In addition to journaling being a cathartic outlet for our feelings and helping with processing difficult feelings, it can also help to keep track of progress (or lack of progress) that might not be recognized in the moment or without a written record. Feelings are so subjective and transient, it can be hard to accurately remember the severity of a given feeling at some point in the past. Personally I have found discovering and reading past journal entries to be extremely enlightening. I’ve had multiple experiences of thinking I was feeling something (negative and positive!) that I had never felt before or on a level I had never felt before, only to stumble upon a journal from a few years prior and read something mirroring the current life situation with a very similar description of emotions. This has served to validate my current struggle, as I was able to see a pattern in my life circumstances and reactions to those situations. I have also had the opposite experience, of reading a past entry where I could clearly see my previous struggle and noted the differences in thinking and perceptions that had come with continued effort toward growth.

3. Confide in a trusted friend or sponsor. In the same spirit of journaling, talking to someone who is genuinely willing to listen and who you trust to be honest with you can be both cathartic and can serve to remind you of your growth. Being able to hear from someone you trust about the changes they have noticed is a huge help when we are feeling like no change is happening or that it is so slow and back and forth that it makes no difference. Getting out of your own head and hearing someone else’s thoughts is a great way to gain a different perspective. One key thing here is to be willing to hear their observations and their perspective. Make sure you are having discussions, not just monologues.

4. Find simple statements to help you counter any negative things you may be telling yourself about your growth (or regression). Our minds are filled with negative messages, especially when struggling with change. How often do we find defeating thoughts such as “I can’t believe you thought you could do this”, or “why even try” immediately popping up the second we experience a setback in growth? The things we tell ourselves has a huge impact on our actions and those automatic negative thoughts require careful planning of counter statements. These statements should be personal and help to remind you to be patient with yourself in your change process. Some examples might include: “Even though I _______, I love and forgive myself”, “Any progress is better than no progress”, “Everyday is a new day and a new opportunity to________”. Obviously these statements are only a few examples and are generic but can easily be changed to be specific to your situation. I like to find ways to ensure these statements will come into my thoughts when I need them, such as putting them on strategically placed post it notes, making the statement the wallpaper of my phone, or choosing to repeat the statement over and over to myself for a number of minutes at a set time of the day. It can also be useful to write the sentence out a number of times a day, throughout the day or to set a reminder on your phone with the statement. No matter the method or methods that you choose, the important thing is to create a statement and find a way to remember it.

5. Learn from the setbacks. Even though the setback was not what you wanted and feels contradictory to your growth, it can do wonders to view it as an opportunity to learn. Take the time to look at the setback, what led to it, what helped it to occur and what skills have you used in the past to avoid similar setbacks. The answers to these questions will help you to better prepare for future challenges in the changes you are making.

6. Focus your energy on what you might do differently next time, rather than what you should have done in the past. We’ve all heard the numerous variations of “you can’t change the past”, yet it is somehow human nature to beat ourselves up over our past mistakes and focus on what we “should” have done. Ultimately this just leads to guilt and rarely fixes anything. Try replacing “I should have…” with “Next time I might…” and see how your perception of yourself and your growth changes.

Ultimately, growth takes time, effort and incorporations of new perspectives. I hope these perspectives help you on your nonlinear path!