“They’re too stupid to know they are stupid!” – Why this attitude toward Trump supporters and republican voters is inaccurate and counterproductive.

Why this attitude toward Trump supporters and republican voters is inaccurate and counterproductive.

Yes, our country is experiencing a great divide currently and like it or not, we all have a role in this divide. The headline of this post is the exact thought that screamed through my mind in the first week or two after the election. I am no longer in that emotional space and no longer believe that statement to hold any truth. Aside from being extremely insulting,  it also didn’t sit right with me to be reducing complex people to such a simple conclusion. That’s not who I am and as I recognized that and took care of my own feelings of anger, worry, and sadness, I became more aware of the full picture.

Trump supporters are not stupid…and neither are democrats

Yep. I said it and I believe it. Here’s how I came to this conclusion: a lot of conversations with people from many walks of life and reflection on my own “stupidity”. 

Currently I work as a therapist with adults ranging in age from 18-73 years old and cover a variety of demographics. I have a number of Trump supporters on my caseload, as well as a half dozen transgender persons, teachers, former military/law enforcement, stay at home moms, college students, blue collar workers, medical professionals, people whose families immigrated here several generations ago and those who are 1st and 2nd generation. I see an average of 37 clients a week and a number of my clients I only see biweekly and some only monthly, so it’s fair to say I meet with about 80 different people a month. As a therapist, I have been trained to put my worldview aside, the lenses that I view the world through based on my own experiences, and allow myself to experience the world view of another. This has helped me to understand how Trump got elected. 

I’ve come to recognize that not everyone follows politics and American policy on a daily basis like I do, and that doesn’t make me somehow morally superior. Why not? Because it isn’t as relevant or interesting to everyone as it is to me, or they have other interests or important areas of study. Also, paying very close attention to the details of political policies and policies that affect public administration is literally part of my work as a social worker. Regardless of my current place of employment, as a clinical social worker I have a code of ethics that calls for advocacy for social justice and awareness of the implications of macro policy. If people aren’t subscribed to the same news outlets I am, or listening to a variety of political commentators, they might get their news from whatever station is on at work or at the gym, headlines popping up on their phone/tablet/computer from Apple News or newsfeeds on web browsers, and of course: social media memes and graphics. The result of this is walking away with some information on a situation, but most of the time not the full story and likely more than a few falsehoods.

Another lesson I have learned is that there is a kernel of truth to “most” falsehoods. I say “most” because I would rather say “always”, but I’m sure there is at least 1 exception out there. Following discussions with Trump supporters I google whatever they mention that seems “out there” or “absurd” and I generally find a kernel of truth in what they’ve said. Here are some examples of things I’ve heard that I later discovered had a partial truth:

  • Trump cut the copayment for insulin first and Biden took credit by wiping out what Trump did, then doing it himself. This is somewhat true. Biden undid one of Trump’s final actions on health care while president with an executive order when Biden took office. The Biden Administration’s reasoning was Trump’s action did not go far enough because it only applied to patients at Federally Qualified Health Centers (FQHCs) and created a paperwork burden for those health centers. Still, Trump did take action on insulin, and Biden did reverse this action with an executive order on Day 1 in office. https://www.policymed.com/2021/10/biden-administration-rescinds-trump-administration-insulin-pricing-rule.html https://www.nachc.org/president-biden-freezes-insulin-epipens-regulation-harmful-to-community-health-centers-and-patients/
  • Bidenomics failed to improve the economy. Again, partially true and especially true when we look at the anecdotal evidence of people who struggled financially over the past 4 years. To those people, simply telling them that Biden was solving the problem as felt like their struggles were being ignored and they were being gaslit by democrats. Regardless of how things would have been if someone else were in office or if Biden’s policies caused the economic woes, the fact of the matter is people did experience hardship. Additionally, the raw statistics do paint a pretty grim picture of how the economy fared during the Biden administration. For instance, it is true that “since the start of the Biden Administration, the annual inflation rate has remained above the Fed’s official target of 2 percent for 39 consecutive months, with prices rising by more than 20 percent during that time.” Also, “real wages and benefits have fallen by 3.6 percent since Biden took office”. These quotes come from the article below, written in August 2024. https://internationalbanker.com/finance/bidens-economic-scorecard-overshadowed-by-the-worst-us-inflation-rate-in-40-years/ Another article by the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee lays out the hardships lower income Americans faced, written at the end of July, 2024. https://waysandmeans.house.gov/2024/07/31/chairman-smith-the-biden-harris-economy-fails-lower-income-americans/
  • Democrats didn’t care when Obama fired almost 200 military leaders. This one was a bit shocking to me, as I didn’t remember hearing about Obama firing any generals, yet when I googled “Obama fired generals” I found the following article from 2013: Obama’s Military Coup Purges 197 Officers In Five Years | Investor’s Business Daily While I believe there is a difference between Obama firing those generals and officers and what Trump did this past weekend with firing the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Chief Navy Officer, the headline and parts of the article feel quite parallel. Seeing that helped me to understand why at first glance, Trump firing generals does not seem that alarming or out of the ordinary for his supporters.

Insults and sarcasm do not win arguments

I can’t think of a time when someone changed my opinion about something by calling me stupid or ignorant. Same for using sarcasm to make a point while belittling me for believing the opposite. Democrats have plenty of reasons to create clever memes and arguments right now, and as satisfying as those laughs may be, they do not serve the larger goal of creating change. Neither does highlighting the long term possible outcomes of ideas circulating in the MAGA world.

A lot of the news Trump supporters see call liberals “deranged” because of these long term fears and the lack of awareness of some of the “evidence” they have seen of corruption in the government and social systems. The reality is most of us who have worked in the county or non profit sector have had frustrating experiences with bureaucracy and waste, but the private sector experiences this as well. The problem with the Trump approach is that it throws out the baby with the bath water. When we scream about how wrong this is, all they hear is “democrats don’t think there is a problem, so they are benefitting from fraud or corruption or are completely unaware.” This isn’t the case, but we can see the logic in the argument. So when we begin posting about how layoffs are affecting individual people or how kids with disabilities will be affected by dismantling the Department of Education, they think we are deranged and fear mongering because they do believe something better for those people will come after the restructuring and the funding pauses are temporary. Meanwhile, democrats are also calling Trump supporters crazy and stupid, so no real discussion is actually happening.

Understanding the other side can strengthen your argument

One of the best things that happened in my education was when my 9th grade advanced English teacher gave us an assignment to argue for either the defense or prosecution in the case against Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird. Everyone else in the class was allowed to pick which one they wanted to argue, except for me. I had been so outspoken in Boo Radley’s defense in discussions in class that my teacher instructed me to do the assignment from the perspective of the prosecution. With that one assignment, I learned I was able to create a much stronger argument for the defense once I fully understand the argument of the prosecution. A lot of the fighting on social media right now does not seek to understand the other side and as a result we are just alienating each other. We need to begin seeking to understand if we want to be understood, and that doesn’t happen when we resort to name calling and insults.

It’s okay to avoid “the news” right now, much of it is Perhaps News.

For about half the US population right now, the news is difficult to watch and yet it is hard to tear away from. This is because many of us are so used to being plugged in and also because we worry about what might happen if we “stuck our heads in the sand”, knowing that just ignoring the worrisome things is not the answer. The solution does not have to be one or the other, it can be a little bit of both.

It is still possible to stay aware while also tuning out most of the newsfeed right now. Yes, as I write this I am aware Donald Trump is currently announcing various campaign cabinet selections, much to the concern of many people. While this is something that has actually happened, nothing bad has come of it yet. Being aware of who he will be selecting for his cabinet when he takes office in January has absolutely no benefit in the middle of November because there is nothing to do with this information at this time.  Even more so, much of the other news we are seeing right now can be classified as “Perhaps News”.

What is Perhaps News?

Perhaps news are stories about things that might happen, usually related to current events in which people are uncertain of the outcome and are seeking reassurance or some other confirmation of how things will play out. We can usually spot these stories from their headlines, as they usually include the word “might”, “may”, or “opinion”. Often times it also includes the expert opinion of someone who was previously in a position of knowledge or prestige, so they will have a title such as “Ex-federal prosecutor” or “Former GOP Chairman”. Through reading the article or news story, we do not gain any new information on the current situation, but rather the perspective of someone who “should” be more knowledgeable about the situation.  Sometimes the article includes some information related to the history or the context of the current situation, but it still does not provide any information that is new related to the current situation. There was a LOT of perhaps news floating around before the election, which left many people assuming Harris was guaranteed to win. While reading those news stories was reassuring, we discovered it was indeed a false reassurance. Reading perhaps news allows us to feel like we are doing something about the things we are worried about, but it just serves to take up time and provides little lasting benefit.

Much of the current news is Perhaps News

There is still more than two months before Donald Trump takes office, and regardless of anything that is said right now, there is no way of knowing what will happen on day one and what the response to it will be. Fixating on this news keeps us in a place of fear and sadness which is counter productive. Staying in an emotionally reactive place will get in the way when we do want to resist the Trump Administration attempts to change the American constitution and dismantle the federal government, if in fact that is what happens. For now, our best option is to take care of ourselves and not get caught up in detailed opinions of what might happen.

How do we take care of ourselves when it feels like the world is falling apart?

Taking care of ourselves can sound cliche and obvious, but it might take more intentional effort than you’d think. It’s a matter of multiple approaches including limiting the content we consume, taking intentional steps to limit the information that presents itself throughout our days, choosing to focus on the positive aspects of our lives, finding connection and a sense of agency, and literally taking care of ourselves.

Limiting the content and surprise info

Prior to the election, my phone screen was a near consistent flow of notifications from various news outlets, social media, podcast episodes, and reminders from health apps. To be completely honest, all that has been overwhelming and distracting for quite sometime. But it wasn’t crushing and rage inducing, it didn’t make my stomach drop or increase my heartrate like I discovered to be the case in the first few days following the election. Something had to change and by Sunday evening I began the process of figuring out how to turn off notifications for news on my phone, which email subscriptions I wanted to send to junk mail, and how to turn off the news feed on new tabs on browsers. All of these sources of “surprise information”  were popping up during times when I was trying not to think about politics, including starting work, picking up my son from school, checking e-mail, etc. I also added more neutral, non political content and resumed watching some old favorite shows: Schitt’s Creek and NCIS.

Focusing on the positive aspects of life

In spite of everything that is happening politically, our lives will still continue and even in the darkest of times, humans have still found happiness in the little moments. Hanging on to this happiness is key for perseverance and continuing the good fight. While this may sound like toxic positivity, it is not because it doesn’t ignore the fact that there are still awful and concerning things happening, but rather it is a means of balancing what we are focusing on. Our kids are still growing and developing and they still need parents who are physically, mentally and emotionally present. Choosing to actively seek out happy moments can help us balance the negativity. Sometime in 2013-2014, there was a lesser known social media viral challenge called 100 Happy Days Challenge. To participate in the challenge, you take a photo every day of a genuinely happy moment and post it to social media with the hashtag 100 happy days. It’s so easy to focus on and think about the things that go wrong in our day, and this Happy Days challenge is a great way to find that balance in looking for happy moments. For more information go to 100happydays.com

Finding connection and a sense of agency

Sitting alone with negative, anxious thoughts tends to keep us in a state of fear and despair. While a lot of the country is reeling right now and is seeking to avoid “people on the other side of the aisle”, this action just keeps us feeling down and listening to our own negative thought loops.  There are so many communities who are worried about how Trump Administration policies will affect them and this presents a great opportunity to connect with others and feel a sense of agency, the ability to act and make a difference, in engaging with these communities, our communities. If the concerns we have regarding eliminating funding and creating hardship for already marginalized groups comes to be, there will be a huge need for donating of time and resources to fill the gaps. Reaching out to people in your community who need support can give you hope and can help to feel less alone, same for reaching out to old friends at a distance and making more meaningful connections with the people you are already in contact with. To find opportunities for volunteering, a great resource is volunteermatch.com. In our current society, we are seeing a major divide, even though most people in our society want the same things in life and have more in common than political parties would have us believe. Finding community also involves leaning into your personal interests and engaging with other people who share that interest. A great resource for exploring your interests and finding others with the same interests is meetup.com.

Engaging in literal self care

Taking care of our basic needs may sound like an obvious no brainer, but it’s amazing how quickly hygiene and basic needs get neglected when we are going through some sort of emotional challenge. This only serves to make us feel worse emotionally. Sometimes we have to make meeting the basic needs a bit easier and cut ourselves some slack. Order take out, do the bare minimum, run the dishwasher twice, ask a friend to hang out while you do laundry, skip the extra curriculars for a week if it’s too taxing, give yourself more time to accomplish necessary tasks so you don’t feel rushed, etc. Ultimately, keep in mind that no matter what lies ahead, we need to do what we can to feel good, take care of ourselves, and find community.

Improving our relationship by telling each other the stories we tell ourselves

A way to recognize if your emotional response is actually an activation of past relationship trauma

After an argument where we both had made a negative and wrong assumption about what the other person was thinking and our intentions behind actions, my partner and I found a simple solution to most of our challenging moments together.  First, I’ll back up and share a little more about us and a couple of caveats for this solution and approach to resolving conflict.  My partner and I have been together a little over 2 years and we both work in the mental health/substance abuse fields. We have both experienced toxicity in relationships in the past, as well as other traumas, so like other people with what society calls “baggage”, we are aware we are bringing those memories and on some level the lasting trauma responses into the relationship as well. Since we have been together for awhile, have professional education on healthy relationship indicators, and have had many discussions on what is healthy and what would be considered toxic in our relationship, we have trust that neither of us are trying to manipulate, control, or otherwise emotionally abuse each other. This is KEY and is the first caveat to this approach.  I DO NOT recommend trying this with your partner if you are already certain they have a habit of turning your words around, gaslighting [insert gaslighting is more than lying post link] you, or otherwise using your insecurities or feelings to further hurt you. My second caveat is this is recommended for occasional use, not every difficult thought or moment of difficult emotions. I am recommending this to be used frequently enough to start to get the information you need to be able to handle the negative and assumptive thoughts when they come up, but not so frequently that every negative emotion and accompanying thought process are being discussed at length with your partner. The goal is to get clarity about what they are really thinking versus the negative assumption you have so you can begin to combat those automatic negative assumptions on your own, as this activity will help you to reality test those negative thoughts.  With all that said, here is the solution: we’ve started using the sentence “Right now I’m telling myself that you are thinking…”.  We tell each other the story that we tell ourselves.

Our first discovery of this was a few weeks ago when my partner made a strong commitment to work on her overall physical wellbeing, including getting better sleep.  I am very much on board with this plan and am happy to see her making this effort for herself.  Since I have a flexible schedule as a therapist in a group practice, I tend to want to stay up until about 10:30 or 11pm since I do an evening therapy session and I don’t need to get up until after she does. As we were decorating for Christmas and talking about the changes she was planning to make, I noticed hesitation as she told me she wanted to start going to bed at 10pm.  I told her that was a great plan and I’d likely join sometimes but might still stay up a bit later some nights. She seemed a little relieved, so I asked what she was worried about and she said she knows I like her to stay up with me and didn’t want me to be upset.  I scanned my memory for a time when I got upset about her being tired and came up blank.  Talk about an AHA! moment!  I instantly said “Babe! I have no problem with you going to bed before I do. I’ve been thinking you are annoyed with me wanting to stay up because you don’t like going to bed alone.”  Now it was her turn to laugh, turns out she has absolutely no problem going to bed alone, she just hasn’t wanted to upset me.  We chuckled together and reaffirmed our enjoyment of when we do go to bed at the same time, as well as talked about what we each like about when I stay up later or when she stays up later.

Since this interaction, we’ve been able to reality test those negative and assumptive thoughts in our minds on a couple of occasions and each time we’ve discovered that one or both of us has made a negative assumption about what the other person was thinking or feeling toward the other in the moment. Being able to do this reality testing has helped both of us to take that step back on our own (because there is not always time or emotional energy for this whole process) and reevaluate our negative thoughts before the emotions take over and create a non-existent conflict.  Talk about a game changer! 

Not only has this helped reduce emotional spirals for each of us, but it has also deepened our relationship as we are learning more about what each other think and what concerns we have for ourselves and each other. Recognizing our automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) takes practice on our own, as most of us have ANTs hanging out in our subconscious [add blog post link here] that we are not aware of and addressing ANTs is an exercise in mental health treatment on its own. It takes vulnerability and trust to be able to share our automatic thoughts with someone else and it’s this vulnerability that can deepen your connection and cut down opportunities for unproductive and hurtful conflict.

Quarantine: a social experiment

I started off the year watching “The Circle“, a reality TV game show/social experiment on Netflix. The premise was individuals were put in their own studio apartments and given a brand new social media platform designed just for the show. They could be completely themselves or choose to portray themselves to be someone else, while becoming friends with each other via the social media platform and voting people off. Now here I am, 2 and a half months later, participating in a completely unexpected and mandatory social experiment. I doubt anyone anticipated being in this situation, instructed to quarantine and social distance. Was “social distancing” even a term when we were ringing in 2020? It seems there are a wide range of social experiments taking place right now: What will the slowing down of productivity do to the natural environment? Will the run on grocery stores mellow out or will we truly experience a food and toilet paper shortage in the short or long term? Will people become kinder to each other and come together to lift each other up or will the doomsday predictions come to pass?

It will be interesting to see how this plays out, we are already seeing changes to the environment, a new appreciation for previously undervalued jobs, and a surge in efforts to conduct business remotely. I’ve also seen an outpouring of support for small businesses of all kinds, and many people are advertising their small business in ability to assist others through technology on social media and by adapting their services or products to meet the local community. As the days and weeks go by and we adapt to this way of living, how might this alter life permanently after social distancing is complete?

Personally, I believe in humanity, in the ability we all have to care for others and the community around us. Just as I have been enjoying the sharing of humorous musings and offerings of support to strangers on social media, I look forward to all the uplifting stories that will come out of this pandemic. We will not be quarantined forever, but we are currently, collectively experiencing a situation we have not been in before. We have no “last time” stories to reflect on, to propel us forward and yet we will rise to the occasion. This experience is teaching us about ourselves, our society and our environment in ways we never imagined. Talk about gaining a fresh perspective!

It’s just that I don’t want to!

It’s funny how sometimes we can be so resistant to doing the very thing that we know we need to do, the thing that has been helpful in the past or that in our heart of hearts knows is going to be beneficial. For me there are so many of these things, writing, going to the gym, meditating instead of vegging out on TV, and even smaller things like going to bed at a certain time, setting the coffee machine before calling it a night, or even using mouthwash (yes, I admit it. I don’t like mouthwash and I have no idea why). Every time I drag myself to do one of these activities, I find myself feeling glad I followed through, often times even more so than the times when I don’t have the internal struggle before the selfcare activity. Some of my most intense and fulfilling workouts have occurred on the days when I almost skipped my workout. What is it about these healthy habits that makes us so resistant to doing them? How can we change this resistant tendency for our own greater good? 

“I’ve been so good lately, I deserve to…” Most of my attempts to avoid a healthy activity or to refrain from an unhealthy action (like going for that second heaping bowl of ice cream, my personal weakness) start with some attempt at rationalizing why I should allow myself to avoid or indulge like the quoted statement. Other rationalizations may sound more like “it’s ok to indulge now, I can get back on track tomorrow”, “anyone in my situation would go have a drink”, “I only need to practice self care when I’m feeling down or stressed”, etc. Ultimately, statements like these are just attempts to justify letting go of or taking a break from a healthy behavior, either to ourselves or others. The fact that we are having the debate and looking for rationalizations in the first place should be a flag we are walking into dangerous territory.

Starting and maintaining health habits can be tough, even when we clearly recognize the benefits. Just like I discussed in the post Growth is not Linear, most unhealthy behaviors we are trying to change have existed in our lives for a significant period of time. Most likely the healthy or self care behaviors are newer to us and we have far more experience with giving in to the unhealthy or undesired behavior. The more we work through these difficult moments and push to follow through with the new behavior, the stronger we get in maintaining our desired healthy behaviors and self care.

So what can be done? How can I follow through with making the healthy choice or practicing self care on those days when I just don’t feel like it?

1. Keep in mind that whatever action you take, whatever choice you make, you are practicing making that choice and engaging in that behavior. If you lose your patience while driving in traffic and yell obscenities as you bang on your steering wheel or stay calm when someone cuts you off by taking 3 deep breaths, you are actively practicing either losing your temper or practicing staying calm. The more you practice a behavior, the easier it will be to repeat the same behavior in the future.

2. “Do Something”. According to Mark Mason, in the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, the key to finding inspiration and motivation to do anything is to take action. Often we delay doing a healthy behavior until we feel inspired and thus “motivated”. In reality taking action brings inspiration, followed by motivation and more action. Taking any action in the direction of a desired behavior leads to feeling inspired to continue. This is why some of my best workouts happen on the days I feel least like going to the gym. By telling myself to just go and giving myself permission to do a light workout, I feel inspired to do more.

3. Give yourself reminders of why you decided to start the healthy behavior in the first place. This can be the most helpful for those times when we have some distance from whatever prompted the self care. Often we decide to engage in self care when we feel something is lacking or needs to be changed in our life. Then after practicing the healthy habit or making a desired change, life starts to improve. Some of these occasions might include hitting the targeted weight loss goal, entering a new relationship, or getting a new job/promotion. Even if you did not prepare for moments like these, you can still make the list and find a place to keep it so it is accessible when you need a reminder. Some ways to do this are to set reminders on your phone to show you a key sentence at a critical time, sticking a post-it note on your dashboard, or confiding in a trusted friend who can provide encouragement.

Staying on track will be easier some days than others. Preparing for these days will help you to stay on track and to fight the “I don’ want to!” days. And when your preparations fall short, it seek ways to refresh your perspective and carry on!

Growth is not Linear

Among the many things I have learned in the past 10 -15 years, I’d say one of the top 5 lessons is growth is not linear.  It seems like such a simple concept, one that when typed out it is so easy to agree, to say YES! Obviously!  But it is a great illustration of the difference between knowing and knowing.  This concept is one I have wrestled with as I have watch myself grow in many aspects, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, then have a sudden (or not so sudden) lapse.  Sometime the regression is long and drawn out, such as occurs over the course of a relationship or gradual slip into unhelpful eating habits and reduced exercise.  Sometimes it is quick, like a relapse of feelings or engaging in a specific behavior.  No matter how it happens, we are often left struggling with guilt and a sense of loss, thinking my gosh, have I learned NOTHING?!   

It’s interesting how we don’t acknowledge the fact that we are stopping to stare the regression in the face and scream out at our “lack of growth” as growth itself.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Why is it hard to recognize that the moments where we pause and reflect, and often attempt to intercept the behavior, as growth?  Why must it be all or nothing?

The good news is it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Changing this tendency to beat ourselves up is all about changing our perspective of growth, our regression and ultimately ourselves. But how? Just like the other changes we work on, changing these perspectives takes effort as well. Here are some suggestions to help you on your path to greater self acceptance and appreciation of your growth, no matter how small or large.

1. Think about how long you have been struggling with the issue you are working on changing. Whether it is overeating, smoking, staying up too late, having poor boundaries with friends/family, gossiping, spending too much time on social media, avoiding going to the gym, etc., chances are the issue you are dealing with and the behavior you are trying to change is not something that started recently. It is most likely something that has gone on for quite some time, to the extent it has created some issue in your life leading you to make a change. Given the amount of time you have been struggling with the issue, it is only realistic to think change will take time and will be accompanied with setbacks.

2. Journal your progress, as well as your setbacks. In addition to journaling being a cathartic outlet for our feelings and helping with processing difficult feelings, it can also help to keep track of progress (or lack of progress) that might not be recognized in the moment or without a written record. Feelings are so subjective and transient, it can be hard to accurately remember the severity of a given feeling at some point in the past. Personally I have found discovering and reading past journal entries to be extremely enlightening. I’ve had multiple experiences of thinking I was feeling something (negative and positive!) that I had never felt before or on a level I had never felt before, only to stumble upon a journal from a few years prior and read something mirroring the current life situation with a very similar description of emotions. This has served to validate my current struggle, as I was able to see a pattern in my life circumstances and reactions to those situations. I have also had the opposite experience, of reading a past entry where I could clearly see my previous struggle and noted the differences in thinking and perceptions that had come with continued effort toward growth.

3. Confide in a trusted friend or sponsor. In the same spirit of journaling, talking to someone who is genuinely willing to listen and who you trust to be honest with you can be both cathartic and can serve to remind you of your growth. Being able to hear from someone you trust about the changes they have noticed is a huge help when we are feeling like no change is happening or that it is so slow and back and forth that it makes no difference. Getting out of your own head and hearing someone else’s thoughts is a great way to gain a different perspective. One key thing here is to be willing to hear their observations and their perspective. Make sure you are having discussions, not just monologues.

4. Find simple statements to help you counter any negative things you may be telling yourself about your growth (or regression). Our minds are filled with negative messages, especially when struggling with change. How often do we find defeating thoughts such as “I can’t believe you thought you could do this”, or “why even try” immediately popping up the second we experience a setback in growth? The things we tell ourselves has a huge impact on our actions and those automatic negative thoughts require careful planning of counter statements. These statements should be personal and help to remind you to be patient with yourself in your change process. Some examples might include: “Even though I _______, I love and forgive myself”, “Any progress is better than no progress”, “Everyday is a new day and a new opportunity to________”. Obviously these statements are only a few examples and are generic but can easily be changed to be specific to your situation. I like to find ways to ensure these statements will come into my thoughts when I need them, such as putting them on strategically placed post it notes, making the statement the wallpaper of my phone, or choosing to repeat the statement over and over to myself for a number of minutes at a set time of the day. It can also be useful to write the sentence out a number of times a day, throughout the day or to set a reminder on your phone with the statement. No matter the method or methods that you choose, the important thing is to create a statement and find a way to remember it.

5. Learn from the setbacks. Even though the setback was not what you wanted and feels contradictory to your growth, it can do wonders to view it as an opportunity to learn. Take the time to look at the setback, what led to it, what helped it to occur and what skills have you used in the past to avoid similar setbacks. The answers to these questions will help you to better prepare for future challenges in the changes you are making.

6. Focus your energy on what you might do differently next time, rather than what you should have done in the past. We’ve all heard the numerous variations of “you can’t change the past”, yet it is somehow human nature to beat ourselves up over our past mistakes and focus on what we “should” have done. Ultimately this just leads to guilt and rarely fixes anything. Try replacing “I should have…” with “Next time I might…” and see how your perception of yourself and your growth changes.

Ultimately, growth takes time, effort and incorporations of new perspectives. I hope these perspectives help you on your nonlinear path!

LJ’s Perspective

Life is all about perspective and the ability to create change in our lives lies in the willingness to explore and accept new perspectives. Even though the name of this blog is “LJ’s perspective”, the blog is about exploring new perspectives and making conscious choices in the way we view life, our problems and our relationships. I will write on a variety of different topics as they relate to mental health, everyday life stressors and interpersonal relationships. This blog will also share information on useful resources, organizations, books and tools for further exploration.

Why do this?

  • In my work and personal interactions, I don’t think I have ever encountered someone who is only dealing with one life issue. Even though it may feel like there is just one major problem, people are complex and our issues are intertwined.
  • Writing on a variety of topics will allow me to assist readers in explore a wide variety of perspectives.

Hi, my name is Jen and I’m a licensed clinical social worker in California.  I grew up in a rural desert town, then went to college on the central coast, as well as San Bernardino and Sacramento.  I have worked a variety of jobs throughout college before becoming a social worker and have a wide array of life experiences that almost seem like completely different lives as I look back on the past almost 40 years.  I currently live in the Inland Empire in CA with my 4 year old son.